Typically, the weakest spot of men is their manhood, be it physically or mentally. We all know that a blow to the genitals can bring down the strongest man. But striking at a man's sense of manhood is just as efficient a cowardly "low blow". The magical formula to defeat a macho is by pushing him to do something dangerous and stupid, with the (not so) "secret" words : "I dare you to do it, if you're a man."
- Pascal Rassi, artist
A macho, as Rassi calls him, is not just stupid. He is a throwback to prehistoric days when the most powerful young men in a band or tribe were the most daring and strongest. These were the warriors. These were the men who forever trumpeted "My (blank) is better/bigger/stronger than your (blank)."
These were the people who, as children, would not only accept reasonable dares, they would be the ones to taunt others with unreasonable or risky dares. They learned that they gained social power by making others look like chickens because they would not accept unreasonable dares.
These people exist today, though they may be found in politics or in vocations that thrive on guile and people-management muscle as well as in gyms for muscle builders.
They are not bullies, though they may be violently aggressive. Bullies lack self esteem and pick on those they perceive as weak, whereas the Testosterone Kings want to confront their equals or those who consider themselves superior, to defeat them.
Confrontation is a constant issue with the machos. Like prize fighters working their way to the top, the machos win even when they lose because in a loss they learn how to do it better the next time, to defeat the next macho in line. They don't lack self esteem. More likely they suffer from an unsupportable excess of it.
However, not all men succumb to a dare against their manhood. Some are secure enough and intelligent enough to recognize a stupid dare and an unwinnable confrontation to walk away from it without looking back. They understand that their sexuality is not at risk because of a stupid dare.
While this machoness is usually attributed to men, women suffer from the same dares to their womanliness. The cosmetics industry thrives on it, indeed exists solely because of it. They dare women to be as beautiful as the models in their advertising, even though the models may be anorexic and madeup to within an inch of their lives, more like china dolls than real women.
Everyone wears clothes, but the women's fashion industry uses the threat of not being "in" to push new wardrobes on budget-weary women each year. In the medical field, cosmetic plastic surgery has grown enormously over the past two decades so that it is now the most lucrative and cushiest segment of the medical community.
The victims of these dares and threats to their sexuality testify that we have not fully emerged from the mentality of our forebears in their primitive days as carnivores of the African Rift Valley.
Security, sexuality and self esteem all exist entirely within our own minds. We act out our lives as our minds tell us they believe we are. If we listen to others, we will never be confident about any of them.
You are who you believe you are. If you don't like who that is, you can change your beliefs. That will change your life. That will change who you are. Believe it.
Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems, a guidebook for parents and teachers who want to teach their children the social and emotional skills they need to be competent and confident adults.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
Showing posts with label weakness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weakness. Show all posts
Monday, May 26, 2008
Friday, April 13, 2007
Help or Please Your Friend? Which Is Right?
In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend.
- Solon
This simple, concise maxim delivers a great wealth of benefit.
Why would you not want to please your friend, rather than to help him? Because friends are not for pleasing.
We please those from whom we hope or expect some gain for ourselves. We please those about whom we feel superior, in gracious gestures of beneficience. We seldom do gestures to please our equals, other than our mate, even though they might greatly appreciate them.
Pleasing someone is like buying their love or respect. A friend doesn't want what he already has, by definition, as a friend.
Helping a friend does not always mean pleasing him either. Often you can help your friend by providing oppposition against which he may carefully consider a choice of action which could prove risky. Or he may be thinking along one line of thought without considering arguments or facts that oppose or contradict them. A bad choice or political association or religious affiliation would be examples.
A friend does not necessarily want to know that you have helped him. Pride may make him want to hide or disguise his need for help. It's not uncommon for people with a serious need to have few friends, not because others don't want to help, but because the person with the need may subconsciously back away from a close relationship for fear of the other person finding out his need and considering it a weakness.
A need or a weakness may be among the things a person least wants another to know. Even though we all have them and we often can't resolve our needs or overcome our weaknesses ourselves. We have been taught that we must be independent, that appearing to be self sufficient is even more important than actually being self sufficient.
Help may be what your friend most needs. Yet it may be something you must use care to put into effect in order to preserve your friendship. A real friendship involves needs that each can help the other with. It may need to be done with care so that the friend is helped up rather than made to feel lower by being needy.
Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems, striving to make the difficult things in life seem a little easier to understand.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
- Solon
This simple, concise maxim delivers a great wealth of benefit.
Why would you not want to please your friend, rather than to help him? Because friends are not for pleasing.
We please those from whom we hope or expect some gain for ourselves. We please those about whom we feel superior, in gracious gestures of beneficience. We seldom do gestures to please our equals, other than our mate, even though they might greatly appreciate them.
Pleasing someone is like buying their love or respect. A friend doesn't want what he already has, by definition, as a friend.
Helping a friend does not always mean pleasing him either. Often you can help your friend by providing oppposition against which he may carefully consider a choice of action which could prove risky. Or he may be thinking along one line of thought without considering arguments or facts that oppose or contradict them. A bad choice or political association or religious affiliation would be examples.
A friend does not necessarily want to know that you have helped him. Pride may make him want to hide or disguise his need for help. It's not uncommon for people with a serious need to have few friends, not because others don't want to help, but because the person with the need may subconsciously back away from a close relationship for fear of the other person finding out his need and considering it a weakness.
A need or a weakness may be among the things a person least wants another to know. Even though we all have them and we often can't resolve our needs or overcome our weaknesses ourselves. We have been taught that we must be independent, that appearing to be self sufficient is even more important than actually being self sufficient.
Help may be what your friend most needs. Yet it may be something you must use care to put into effect in order to preserve your friendship. A real friendship involves needs that each can help the other with. It may need to be done with care so that the friend is helped up rather than made to feel lower by being needy.
Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems, striving to make the difficult things in life seem a little easier to understand.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Overcoming The First Weakness Is The Hardest
"No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit."
- Helen Keller (1880-1968)
Blind and deaf from the age of 19 months, Helen Keller went on to become a feral (wild) child that no one could manage. She was, in a sense, the ultimate pessimist because she believed she had to reason to live, as life meant torture. She raged against the caged torture of her nothingness.
After Annie Sullivan taught her to speak, read and write, she graduated from college and became a lecturer who had the ability to inspire anyone who heard her. Her legend is as strong almost half a century after her death as it was when she died.
Helen Keller went, literally, where no one had gone before. She may not have discovered the secret of the stars or sailed to an uncharted land, but she certainly did open a new doorway for the human spirit.
After she could speak and read, she was respected and supported as an underdog, not put down for being a loser. That's the point where many of us should pick up her story.
She accepted help, which many people refuse to do because they fear being labelled as helpless or a loser. She overcame her worst disabilities and turned them into strengths.
We can each do that. We all have disadvantages and weaknesses. Overcoming them is a big challenge. Once we do that, we will find others supporting us because they want to see us succeed in life.
The first step is to accept help. Help is easier to find if we are prepared to accept it when we find it. In most cases, finding help is a matter of asking questions about where to get help.
Winners are not those without weaknesses or disadvantages. They are those who have identified their weaknesses and disadvantages and worked hard to overcome them. Losers are those who have not done one or the other.
Identify your weaknesses and disadvantages. The job of overcoming them is partly done when we identify them and admit we have them.
There are no solutions to the problems of life until we accept what our problems are. Solutions do not go around hunting for problems to solve.
Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems, the product of a feral child who accepted his weaknesses and disabilities and overcame them.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
- Helen Keller (1880-1968)
Blind and deaf from the age of 19 months, Helen Keller went on to become a feral (wild) child that no one could manage. She was, in a sense, the ultimate pessimist because she believed she had to reason to live, as life meant torture. She raged against the caged torture of her nothingness.
After Annie Sullivan taught her to speak, read and write, she graduated from college and became a lecturer who had the ability to inspire anyone who heard her. Her legend is as strong almost half a century after her death as it was when she died.
Helen Keller went, literally, where no one had gone before. She may not have discovered the secret of the stars or sailed to an uncharted land, but she certainly did open a new doorway for the human spirit.
After she could speak and read, she was respected and supported as an underdog, not put down for being a loser. That's the point where many of us should pick up her story.
She accepted help, which many people refuse to do because they fear being labelled as helpless or a loser. She overcame her worst disabilities and turned them into strengths.
We can each do that. We all have disadvantages and weaknesses. Overcoming them is a big challenge. Once we do that, we will find others supporting us because they want to see us succeed in life.
The first step is to accept help. Help is easier to find if we are prepared to accept it when we find it. In most cases, finding help is a matter of asking questions about where to get help.
Winners are not those without weaknesses or disadvantages. They are those who have identified their weaknesses and disadvantages and worked hard to overcome them. Losers are those who have not done one or the other.
Identify your weaknesses and disadvantages. The job of overcoming them is partly done when we identify them and admit we have them.
There are no solutions to the problems of life until we accept what our problems are. Solutions do not go around hunting for problems to solve.
Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems, the product of a feral child who accepted his weaknesses and disabilities and overcame them.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
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